Growing up, I always felt a little off, like I didn't quite belong. I was sensitive, yet creative, old and young. There would be a lot that would account for this. Family for one. I'm the youngest of 4 siblings and there is a huge age gap. How huge? Let's just say: My siblings are old enough to be my teenage parents. My parents weren't the youngest chickens in the bunch either. I was sensitive and I loved the outdoors, using my imagination and all arts and crafts. AS a little girl, I was called a " old lady" and by the age of 4, I was nicknamed "Hazel Sue Mae Jones" to further depict that I was "slavery old" even though I was so young.
I maneuvered parts of my childhood happily for awhile until middle school. Had I truly known what the experience would be like, I would have gladly turned away and taken another road, but this was CPS. Those times were hard. My family and I were struggling with homelessness and even maintaining fresh water. We moved from shelter to shelter, went to food pantry's and wore second hand clothing from church donations. During those times, I cared the most of what people thought of me. I remember being bullied most of the time. I would come home most days in tears feeling defeated. The whole situation took an extreme blow to my self esteem. Not to mention there was a lot of domestic violence in the home at the time. There was no peace, no refuge. I would learn to spend those days daydreaming of a better life. I would dive into any book I could get my hands on as a means to escape everyday life. I spent lots of time isolating myself from others. I was an awkward kid needless to day.
Things eventually took a turn for the better once our family found stable housing. By the time high school rolled around I finally managed to grow a pair and took on the typical teenage rebel angst. However, I was not your typical "black teenage rebel". I was the Goth/Punk/Hippie/Witch/Girl who fought demons in her closet. Namely because I did take on those personas with my wardrobe and daily attire. I also loved manga and anime and hung out with the "odd balls" -whatever that means. I embraced guitar, blasted my favorite rock bands and wore my black lipstick and nails with pride. I learned not to care. I felt ostracized in many instances and oftentimes misunderstood. I found solace in art and would eventually go on to take it to a college level. High school definitely taught me to not be afraid to step out of the norm of what is deemed "black culture" and to stand up for self at all costs. It would be very valuable as I got older.
I literally "fell" into my twenties. It was definitely a challenge of finding myself and letting go. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad. There would be folks who accepted me and those who rejected me. In my opinion, it all served a greater purpose. I had to over stand: If you learn to know yourself, there is always someone or something that will try to to obscure that for you. It may sound cliché, but it's true- "following your heart" goes a long way.
As I continue falling and flowing thru life, I am still considered a curious character to this day, however it is more welcomed and appreciated. Looking back, it took a lot of guts to be my own little galaxy in a world not so accommodating at the time. I painted this piece for myself and anyone who has ever felt they lived in their own little world; a world no one has ever quite understood. For all the ones who experienced the rough times and still managed to bring a piece of their heaven down to earth and shine and share it with the world anyway. For those who know what it means what I say: Meet me in outer space.
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