Growing up, I was always somewhat of a melancholy child...at least that's what my mother called me. I won't deny that I come from very humble backgrounds. I grew up in oppression, suppression, repression amongst other things. I am someone who is very familiar with feeling alone and at times ostracized. Depression, after awhile, was a feeling I had become very accustomed to. This piece speaks to this.
I remember how I felt before I painted this piece in 2012. I remember feeling caged, I remember a deep emotional pain I couldn't describe, but it felt painfully void. I call to mind painting this piece feeling dark, and I felt there was nothing left of me. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually exhausted. I'd recently been discharged from inpatient care at a mental facility. To me, I just couldn't understand all the anguish, selfishness and and the messed up things taking place in the world; even my own back yard. I felt- What good was living in this world if there wasn't any hope? Needless to say, things were definitely a lot more bleak for me back then.
The background is black because it represents that void that I was feeling. I left the background black for quite some time before I decided to come back and paint the gold feather. I chose to make the feathers gold because, to me, gold trumps everything. Gold is a supreme conductor between heaven and earth; a powerful conduit. It is a test of extreme internal hardship rewarded with freedom. Gold in this society is all about wealth and where there's wealth there is freedom.
I understand now, the void I felt was directly connected to a spiritual void within me. There are many beliefs that gold is the ultimate purifier and healer. There are many cultures that consider gold as a symbol of enlightenment and happiness. The list goes on but one thing remains the same for this piece: You have to go thru the void to step into the light.
The black abyss can be scary of there is no hope insight. I realize, especially in this day and age, it's important to make our own light in its absence. As for myself, there is hope of freedom. Hope to come out of the darkness. As the past fades into the background, I realize how much my broken spirit was trying to fly in a world that doesn't make it easy for little birds like me. I flew any way. I hope that it may inspire others to find their light in an age of darkness.
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